Finding My Feet

2015 was my first year of my foray into the plus size modelling and body positivity world. There have been so many incredible moments, and by being dedicated to shunning all the negative thoughts and messages relating to my size and weight, I have blossomed.

I’m pouring my heart and soul into this. I’m so passionate about making a change. The body shaming has to stop and I want to be part of putting it to an end. I lie awake at night thinking of ways to tackle it, I write notes for future blog posts on my phone when I stir in the night, I’m forever hassling the OH about another brilliant idea I think I’ve had. It’s become my world, my life.

There is a huge plus size online community and an equally large body positivity/confidence movement. Social media is awash with colourful characters, awe-inspiring activists, and mind-blowing bloggers, all shouting loud and proud on body shaming, body positivity, and the plus size world. I have done my best to jump in with both feet, but I have felt my voice has been lost in the vastness. I don’t want to compete with anyone – I mean, the more people speaking on these topics, the better – but I feel I have some valid, and even powerful, input to contribute, so I want to be heard, and I’ve felt mostly unheard.

This is a pattern that has existed throughout my lifetime. I always used to think that it was because I wasn’t assertive enough and that I didn’t make enough noise, but now I am a lot braver, and a lot more determined, so it has hurt to end up feeling like it must just be me – that what I’m saying and how I’m saying it simply isn’t good enough. I know that might sound very pitiful, but… I’m mixed race, I’m queer, I’m fat, and, due to chronic illness I’m disabled and unemployed. Some of these variables have been lifelong, others more recent; some are becoming more accepted, others are still heavily prejudiced. But one way or the other all I’ve ever known is being rejected, ridiculed, and reprimanded, simply for being me, simply for existing.

So when you have had years of being made to feel worthless, it’s hard not to let new real/perceived rejections reinforce those thoughts and feelings.

When you’ve spent most of your life ostracised, it’s hard not to feel shut out when you try to become part of a new community.

When you’re used to not being taken seriously it’s hard not to feel mocked or silenced when you speak out.

There have been many times that I have felt like giving up, but I refuse to be beaten. I’ve come too far just to give up. I have reminded myself that I’m doing this for me and my daughter first and foremost. I don’t want to simply tell her that it’s okay to be whoever you are, I want to show her. I want to free and validate myself from all the judgment and negativity I’ve absorbed over the years. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see and to see me through my eyes, not society’s.

So this year I’m doing things my way, on my terms, at my pace. If that means next to no-one takes any notice of what I say and do, then so be it. Maybe I’ll make a difference in this world, maybe I won’t.  It doesn’t matter. Every day I feel stronger and am able to hold my head that little bit higher. I have changed my world, and that is invaluable.

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4 thoughts on “Finding My Feet

  1. I found your blog really by accident just taking a look at the curvy girl site and clicked on the link that took me to your blog. Keep faith in yourself you are an inspiration I’ve always been a big girl, a plump shy child that grew into a plus size woman who kept to the edges of a crowd not wanting to be singled out or judged on my size. Its taken me 64 years to be happy in my skin what I’ve found is to be loved and accepted first I had to accept and love myself, you’ve got an advantage you’re already at the same point with still the rest of your life in front of you be proud of yourself for speaking out you look beautiful, your positivity shines through your photos. I wish you success in your life

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, Florence, and an even bigger thank you for such kind words. Getting responses like yours gives me the encouragement to keep going and to continue sharing my story and my experiences. It may have taken you until now to be happy in your skin, but I am really glad that you have reached that point and can live without all the bad thoughts and feelings we often harbour as a curvy woman. Best wishes x

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  2. So proud of you… you are almost a different person to the Sophie I first met online in 2012. You always had character, heart and were laugh out-loud funny on your better days, and were always a welcome addition to my life, but now…So much more confidence, Sophie..and clearly (despite all the tough things you still live with) much, much happier.

    I’m so happy for you! Happy new year hun. Kimmie x

    Liked by 1 person

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